So my dad and my brother recently got into a fight (like usual) and this time my dad decided to bring my mom into the mix. Actually that is also normal of him to do. But anyway my mom was at work. I on the other hand was trying to eat and then get ready to go to Maryland for a few hours to my aunts house. She lives 2 hours away so we (as in me and my dad) wanted to leave as soon as possible. This was a school day so we could not stay over night. So as I was thinking about what homework I had while eating, I would listen to my brother and dad go at it. Then my dad started to say things about my mom. Some things were true but others were just his skewed perception of things. Well I thought they were skewed. But anyway, I was very badly hurt, I can’t fully explain why because that would take up too much time. There are many reasons it hurt me. But so afraid also that this might get worse and my mom would come home and also things would escalate 20 times worse, I did the only thing I could do. The one thing I could never do as a child, ignore it. I would always defend my mom. Always played the defense or the devils advocate in any conversation. I guess I liked challenge and independence I felt with standing up to my elders. I liked to prove that I’m not just a young stupid child. They used to love me for my “one sentence lines”, specially my grandfather. I was in 3^rd grade and below when they felt like this. But now, or more like ever since 4^th grade and up, no one ever respected my thoughts. They used to listen to me as a child, maybe not really take it to heart or something but still listen. Now its different. But anyway lol back to the real story, so I for the first time ever did not argue or defend. I felt bad but then I thought it would not make a difference. I felt like I was being my brother who left this family at a point in time (not really left but wasn’t really there I don’t know how to explain it sorry) but so he left and didn’t really think what would happen to ma. I could never do that. I wanted to soo badly. Just be able to leave and not worry about them. But when my parents have a fight and I have to go out I cancel the plans. I can’t leave because I have to protect and defend my mom. That’s how I felt. But so I did not say anything. I went straight up stairs to my temple (we have a shrine for our gods up stairs). I got the divo ready to be lit, and also the incense. After I lit them I sat down on the floor and prayed. I prayed for forgiveness for certain sins my father had committed and then I prayed that he would also be punished for what other sins he had committed. Then I prayed that god would have the understanding that both my mom and dad have made mistakes and do have their flaws just like me and every one else. And I didn’t pray that they be forgiven for them but that they just a just punishment. (I know all of this probably sounds crazy lol) but I also told god to just watch what was going on and make a just judgment. And I also prayed that nothing bad would happen today. I prayed that dad would calm down and mom would not walk in on all this. And most importantly I prayed for strength. I prayed for the strength to fight the urges to say something to my dad. I prayed for the strength to live with not defending. I prayed for the strength to live with this kind of hatred, pain, anger, and lack of love in this house. And when I say lack of love I don’t mean between me and my dad or me and my mom. Because if that was the case I would not be calling my dad, my dad lol. No…that love is there…but still…a family is not a family if the whole chain is connected. Wow that was really corney lol. But after I prayed, my dad calmly asked if I was ready to go. Torn between hating him and my self for still being nice to him and going with him and acting like nothing happened or that he didn’t just say some very harsh things or even that I learned new and horrible things my father had done, being torn between that and having to just go with the flow and just go…I politely got in the car and was ready to leave. When…my dad looked at me and said do you think your mom would want to come? I was surprised and stunned. He said he didn’t want her to feel like we were leaving her behind or something. I know it might be a coincidence, I mean I believe most things are, but…for some reason I felt that it might have been god…lol I am so sorry this is a religious entry lol. And I hate saying stuff like this because I sound like a looney. But for the first time in a long time I was not forcing my self to believe in my god. I kind of genuinely felt that that was the reason. I hesitate fully believing in that because of the past atheist beliefs I had. And also because I’m a realistic thinker. I don’t  like to believe in the supernatural. But…I don’t know…something about that just made me…hmmm….and the thing is that I still don’t like the feeling that I’m not in control, but what I’m learning is that I’m not really fit to control certain things. I have to let go. And if that means letting it go to my god (or gods lol) then so be it…it kind of scares me to think how drastically I have changed. In many matters. I mean these things I would have never…sigh…I don’t know…I always told my self that I found people crazy to think that they can just let things go and let someone or something that might not be even real, how can they put their faith in handling things…I at times would really really think people were crazy to think that they can trust parts of their life to…something possibly imaginary…and I really do feel that I am crazy in a way…but that’s what I always needed someone or something that I could put my faith into to handle things. I know I make stressful situations for myself at times, I’m trying hard not to (I got it from my mom lol) but I really do try at times…but…I can’t explain why I do it. There are soo many reasons. And one of them is not a mental illness like thing. I hate it when people say oh you have this phobia or this mental difficulty or something like that. I don’t like it because it sounds like I’m a crazy person who has not control over my mind. But anyway…I was watching this Indian movie and the guy was like “do you love me?” “do you trust me?” “then leave it to me.” “all I need is your love and faith to make it happen.” If you knew the plot and context it would be better lol but I think you get the gist of it. You see that’s what I need someone to hold my hand and be there, helping me do things, I might bite off more then I can chew, but all I need is someone to be there helping me chew, lol I know that’s weird. I would love to fully trust and love a person so he can handle things for me. I would love to have a person who can distress/destressify me lol. Someone to take care of things when I can’t anymore. And that’s the thing instead of someone like god I wanted a real person. I find it hard to place such faith and such important things to something that might not be there. It’s a gamble to me. A gamble I don’t wan tto make but, I guess I don’t really have a choice do I? lol and see in Indian, well traditional not so sure about modern but in traditional Indian culture the husbands were like gods to the wives. And I guess that would explain me wanting a guy so he can be a more trustworthy god…not saying that god is not trustworthy but just that a human being is really there and I know that they exist…know what I mean? lol I wouldn’t be surprised if non of this made sense to any of you lol. I’m crazy….but anyway. I love my religion I genuinely love it because I don’t fear that my gods will be angry with me if I don’t believe in them. I feel they will know what I’m going through and understand. Not saying that other religions’ gods don’t just saying that…sigh lol I’m going to stop now…

(hannah)

can you tell who the two people are in the picture of my xanga?

i'll give you a clue they are in the movie Veer-Zaara.

i know you haven't seen it yet...i think i've decided that you also have to see that one cause its acctuly really good.